thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize