just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize