So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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