went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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