I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
where does the pee come out of this thing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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