I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
