i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize