i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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