I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He better not be in your backpack
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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