My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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