Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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