the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
