clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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