sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
