I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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