and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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