I'm gonna have a badass scar
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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