i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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