if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
