Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize