Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
