I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
