as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
