i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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