can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
