At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Randomize
