It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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