I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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