I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
