My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The air was thick with penises
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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