Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
