So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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