She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
