It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
