I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
