Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize