Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
