You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
