Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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