Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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