good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
