I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
