If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
