you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
