She said her name was "party"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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