And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
