If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
