trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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