How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We left an ass print on the piano.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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