This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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