There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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