This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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