I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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