Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
