She is in my trunk
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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