the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
