Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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