Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
