Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
