im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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