I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
